I woke today a mere mortal, but yesterday I was so much more. I thought I had said my goodbyes to this forsaken world, I thought never again would my feet touch this traitorous land and never again would I breathe that same air, thick with secrets bursting to be released, with souls tarnished under their own guilt and selfishness. But alas things are never what you expect them to be, I am living, breathing, proof of that, though yesterday I was more than the living could ever wish to be. Things are never what you think they are things will never be what you want them to be. Take it from me, one whose swam the deepest ocean, climbed the highest mountain, sought the brightest light, been to the ends of the earth and back heaven is a lie, you're as damned as the next man.
I bet you're wondering what ever could I have encountered to receive such a bleak outlook on life, you try living and then dying then living again and maybe you'll know what I mean. You'll know then what I mean when every place you have ever trespassed upon has discarded you, when every soul you have ever met turns his back on you when you are thrown out of every place you could ever call home. How do you think it feels it live in a constant nightmare? Wishing, begging, pleading to awaken but never getting there. Stuck between that void of living and dying, trapped in a world where you are a stranger, unwelcome, unwanted unloved by everything. To feel truly alone, an outcast to the world, an outcast to the universe, that's what I am.
You see I am the fallen angel. I once had that special cloud in heaven, I was once a respected eternal being like the rest of them, Id lived my life on earth and got my just reward but I screwed up and I paid the price. I paid it bad. I fell from grace and am no longer welcomed in heaven. Its gates are no longer open to me and my wings, my beautiful illustrious wings were taken from me as well. Ripped from my body, I can no longer see them. I can no longer feel them. Their pearly white softness will never again touch my fingers. I can still remember that earth shattering pain that shook my spine when they were removed from my body; I will never forget it.
Everything that could possibly be me has been taken away. There is nothing left of me. I have nothing left. I have no one left. I am not wanted nor welcomed anywhere. I walk this world alone and rejected for the mistakes I've made.
You see not only did I lose my wings and place in heaven I also lost the angel in me and I've been left a mere shell of what I used to be. I am now a human, abandoned on this earth that I have come to hate so much and left alone with no guidance and no thought spared towards me. All I have are my memories and even they are fading.
Its terrible having a nightmare, its even worse living it but being the nightmare is the worse thing you can encounter. Knowing there is something inside yourself you have to keep exposed forever. Not being able to trust anyone, not being able to be yourself you might as well go live in he shadows. But even from the shadows Im barred. I cant hide anywhere, I can feel them forever watching me, studying me, mocking me, look at the foolish girl, she was stupid enough to get herself thrown out of the one place everyone is welcome. I can hear their ghostly whispers haunting my thoughts, I always hated them but now I loathe them for they are up there and I am down here. But they can bask in their eternal glory; indulge in their kingdom of light because I'll show each and every one of them that they have not seen the back of me. If they think they can throw me out of heaven and not expect me to have my say, they sadly mistook me for an angel. I'm so much more than that and always have been. I'm the angel from your nightmare and mine and soon I will be the angel of their nightmares as well.
Eventually I had to get used to life on earth, I was so much more than them yet I was forced to live alongside them as their equal, I had no other choice I had no else to go. I studied the pitiful humans around me and adjusted to fit in their ways of life as if I was one of them. I wasn't happy with it and it took me along time to settle to their ways but I did it, just about convinced everyone I was like the rest of them.